the barometric pressure of peas

i think it’s time that i discuss the difference between real peace and fake peace.  as i see it.

peace is not simply a calm body.  i am mastering calm for sure.  but in that mastery i realize peace is not always present.  my hands, mouth, and body parts can be calm.  while my heart and mind are racing. 

i have posted about peaceful crying (aka leakage) before so now, i must differentiate that from the not-very-peaceful crying spells.  if peaceful crying feels like wet acceptance of life – more like a leakage of emotional waste – then not-very-peaceful crying is like a flood of doubt, anger, fear, and confusion.  those are the signs. 

for example, yesterday, i awoke an emotional motorcycle wreck.  i felt awful on the inside. i prayed, i breathed, i was calm.  but i felt like alternately throwing up and punching a window.  my spirit was in crisis.  my spirit was unhappy.  i was balling my eyes out and crawled under my desk at work to rock back and forth.  again, i felt nauseaous and yet i felt like breaking something.  i felt hopeless.  i felt lost.  i felt like a loser.  i felt like almost giving up.  i felt like blowing up every piece of bull****.

i am disenchanted with many aspects of life that is clear.  and yet i see the love and beauty in all things.  it’s the daily fight that wearies me.  it’s the constant bolstering of the spirit i must undertake.  it’s the constant talking to myself:  they don’t mean it, they don’t matter, it’s not real, God first.  it’s the constant thrust and parry with negative thoughts, emotions, and memories.  

and sometimes our spirit cries out to let us know we are not at peace.  my crying jag kind of passed by midmorning and i pushed past my emotions to get a lot of work done.  that in and of itself is a victory for me.  how many days and hours and weeks have i spent wallowing in my (sad) emotions? 

a lot.

i told you at the onset of this peace project that my goal was not to let my emotions interfere with my productivity.  that is why peace is such a high commodity.  and that is why i am thankful i have now developed a measuring stick for my emotions and my spirit.  we could all grow a barometer (i think those things only measure barometric pressure but the principle applies or you can get you any other kind of -meter) to know when our spirit is calling out for change.  it’s invaluable in the struggle to maintain peace – real peace not that fake stuff.

your barometer will tell you when you must seek change and actively cultivate the activities in your life that bring you peace.  at least, that’s what i decided after some prayer yesterday evening.  so, i made a list.  of things that bring me instant and real peace.  i have to mention that real peace because i realize that i have been experiencing semi-peace or fake peace recently.  which led me to yesterday’s crying fit and emotional upheaval.  upheave means it’s time to clean house.  to get to the root of the matter.  then dig it out and burn it.  forever.  it’s time.

real peace exists solely in your heart, mind and spirit (the rest follows).  it is unshakeable.  it is grounded in the earth and support beamed to the sky.  it is assurance.  it is a contract.  it is a covenant.  it is belief in ultimate goodness.  it is love.  it is so hard to describe.  it is a stillness on the inside.  and it was not in me for the past few days.  instead, i had pent-up, unused energy which became focused on the future and lack.

i was thinking too much about how my story ends, where my career was going, and what was to become of me and my little 2-person family.  i was involved with what i did not have and not glorying in all that i have already received.

so i made this list.  the things that bring me instant and real peace.  and i have committed to doing more of these things on this list ……

1. peas (ok, they don’t always give peace but i LOVE them)

2. prayer

3. painting

4. writing

5. reading the bible

6. meditation

and this is the list of things that bring fake peace which i will no longer be fooled by:

1. wine

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2 Responses to “the barometric pressure of peas”

  1. Good Luck on your journey, and may you stay strong in moments of hardship, I believe all things happens for a reason, so whenever things seems bad, hang in there, the light will come! Take care, A 🙂

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