open love letter from me to you

 

this is really me (circa 2007) - the writer of this blog

i have not felt much joy these past few days.  i think it’s only fair, in my quest for happiness as documented in this blog,  that i share the times when i struggle to be happy.   when i have relapses of depression.    there are a variety of reasons for my recent bluesy days but i’m only going to focus on two things.

one, someone called me a racist in a comment on this post which i published last week.  i’m not even sure this was a real comment because it was so poorly written and yet the author asks me to improve my grammar but he mispells grammar.  either way, i took it as a sign.  no, i don’ think my post was racist – here are my thoughts on racism – but i do think it could be taken as offensive.  and that gave me pause.  i recognized this as an opportunity to grow.  just as i have grown, on this blog, from a foul-mouth cuss-like-a-sailor writer into a person who rarely writes in curses anymore and if she does she puts a little * in the midst of the bad word. 

i must be honest that it is not easy for me to love white people.  but i absolutely do.  i have no hatred for them whatsoever.  however, i realize that i still have a lot of unresolved anger towards them.  if you have to ask ‘for what’ i’ll probably get angry with you.  my biggest anger comes, these days, from the willful ignorance of white americans and black americans.  i also recognize that i have not fully forgiven white people or america.  if you have to ask ‘for what’ ….

i totally believe that white people have their own cultural norms.  that they have sub-cultures and sub-genres within the subgroups as do all ethnicities.  i will never apologize for acknowledging that there are cultural dynamics among white people and all others.  that being said, i do not think it’s ok for me to use my words in a negligent or hurtful way.  from here on out i will put all my blogposts through a spiritual screening and i will ask the question: ‘does what i say about people bring encouragement and affirmation?  am i primarily being positive?’  i have wavered on this point before.  i have pushed the envelope.  and i knew i was pushing it in that post with my white people jokes but my unresolved anger led me astray.  i can joke about white people (and all people) in private from now on.  i can let go of my childish insistence on being right.  in that moment when i wrote that post i know that i was more eager to be right than i was to be a good person.  my apologies to any and all whom i have ever offended with any blog post.

i am going to try to do better.  i want to speak life-giving words that nourish and refresh.  i want to try to live this: ‘the mouth of the righteous is a well of life’ – proverbs, 10:11

that doesn’t mean i will stop posting news articles, random obscure information, and links to other people’s opinions.  this new policy doesn’t mean that i will not still hold racists accountable.   and this doesn’t mean my anger at white people is just going to disappear.  i just plan to choose my words more wisely and more positively.  at home i will also be working on forgiving white people – in totality forever.   pray for me!

the second item on my agenda today has to do with an update on my self-love.  in a recent post i was on a love high and i wrote all kinds of crap about how i accepted my body and this and that.  the last few days have revealed to me that this is an ongoing process.  i am not in love with myself right now.   i am sharing this because this is real.  i don’t know if i’m happy.  i’m fighting myself to be happy.  part of me hates me right now.  it’s wierd.  and part of me is fighting to transcend my own negative thoughts, sad emotions, and self-judgement.   i know i will win …. i know God is true and good.  these emotional lows are wonderful in that they also help me grow.   i like discovering that i still have a lot more work to do in the self-love department.  i like being humbled.  i kind of like the process of forcing myself to accept what is all around me (or not around me).  

this process can be painful and uncomfortable but what’s not to like …

i love you.

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