like in the what is & i’m is

i am happy. i wrote that on my facebook today and i meant it.  as She often does, God sent me a message on FB.  it confirmed what i have known for some time about happiness and her counterpart – suffering.   happiness is acceptance. 

i accept my body.   there is so much i have wanted to change about my body all of my life … and now, i have let it go.  i accept what i have and do not have.  i accept God’s ultimate truth that my physical is actually not that important.   i accept … and i no longer care what you think.  i used to care so much and want so much.  but it’s a waste of energy and it’s a weight that is too heavy.  i will never be buffy the body.  lol …. yes, that was one of my body role models.  whynot?  i am slightly joking but you get the idea.  

i accept that i am in love.  with a lot of people and things.  i accept that i am a love muffin.  i am bursting with love for so many.  i accept that i have no romantic relationship.  i accept that i have no man.  and i desire none.  i accept that God has kept me single, healthy, and whole for a very good but mysterious reason.  i accept my time alone and i am thankful for it.  God wants me to love being with myself.  God wants to show me what real happiness is.  God wants me to deepen my relationship with him. 

i remember when years ago i accepted that friday nights can be just like monday nights.  it changed my life.  i felt like i had lost weight.  accepting this one small fact opened up my spirit and made room for more joy.  when we accept we cannot be disappointed.  i no longer want to suffer. 

i accept my emotions but i do not let them control my mindstate anymore.  i sit with my anger or intense sadness and let it flow through me … but i do not take it very seriously anymore.  i tell myself, in those emotional moments, that we have been here before, that we do indeed have to ride this feeling out, but that it will pass and it will not seem so big in a few hours or days.   

of course, a lot of my acceptance comes from my faith.  my trust in the Lord grows daily.  and my surrender continues to grow as well.  i cannot say i have fully surrendered because i feel my ego’s urge to assert itself every now and then.  to take control and be the boss.  i still desire cigarettes … but i know what that voice is.  it is the fear of and the doubt for God’s plans.  it is small and it is quiet and it is often subconcious but it is there and it is persistent.  i even have faith that this voice will eventually be silenced.  i trust that if i keep seeking the Lord he will purge me.  it might not be pretty when he does it.  it might not be cute … but the nicotine addiction will also fall.  i am sometimes amazed at my own self that i trust God so much.  lately, i have been watching him work.  and i know in my heart that a lot of the recent hardship in my life has been so that God can show me how he will always pull me through.  he gets me down to my last dollar … so that he can give me dollars when i most need them and am most clueless as to how they will appear.  God works through so many people … when my electricity was cut off recently he showed me that he is the only one i need to lean on.  he leads me right to the edge of the precipice … then he pushes me off … and he, alone, catches me!  who does that???  have you ever had anyone push you … only to catch you … no human being can do that.  it’s like being in two places at the same time. 

but i trust him to push me.  i trust him to control my life.  because when God does it … he does it right!  i want God alone to send me a man when and if he chooses cuz then i know it’s where i’m sposed to be  & with whom i’m sposed to be.  until then i’d rather be alone.  i want God to change my career cuz when i tried to force it myself it turned into a gigantic monster.  until then i’d rather enter data wherever God would have me do so.  basically … and for the first time in a long time … i truly want only what God wants for me.  and what he wants for me he gives me.  so what happens to me he wants to happen to me.  who am i?  to resist what happens in my life?

i am happy.  and i am honored by His love.  i would like enough blessings to make it home tonight to kiss my baby and watch more episodes of 30 rock.  but even these small feats are all up to Him.  and if he wants me to get a flat tire on the way home … then i accept.  i’m is tired of fighting what i cannot change anyway.  are you?

& why am i so late on this 30Rock business?  that show had me dying last night!  this is where love is … cuz it is what it is …


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