make believe

i’m in a wierd place.  last week was rough.  i was confronted with some of my old demons.  i realize how i smelled nothing like victory.  i felt very defeated … i couldn’t find peace.  i did praise God through it all but i was struggling to believe his word.  i felt deserted and abandoned.  i forced myself to examine those times as learning experiences.  i still don’t know what i am to learn … other than i am human and sometimes do not manifest supreme faith.  i am still in talks with God.  and i am praying that my lessons are to be REVEALED.  i want to know, God!  i want to do better and learn more!

all that to say that I am going to post a bible passage tomorrow.  i have been reading the bible in chronological order for about three years now.  i am still in the old testament.  i am currently in the book of ISAIAH.  i don’t have a reading schedule.  i am not in a rush ‘so that i can say’ ooh i read the bible.  i am actually trying to understand it through my own brain and my own experiences and my own life history.  i let parts of the bible sit in me for days when they are too hard to unpack in one hour.  sometimes i will not pick it up and read it for a month or for many weeks at a time.  when i find myself rushing through life or impatient with others i turn to it.  when i find myself in despair i turn to it. 

why is the bible calming and reassuring – even when i am struggling to understand it?  because it feels eternal.  it truly never changes its messages.  the promises are always there.  belief is a choice.  and when i read the bible i am reminded that i can choose to believe those words.  i can choose to believe in happiness and goodness and a God who loves me.  i don’t choose based on logic or emotion.  i choose because i want peace and happiness and the idea of a most high Lord who works only for my benefit and slavation brings me peace and happiness.  understand — just the IDEA of a God makes me excited.  and that excitement comes from my gut – my intuition. 

and my intuition has never lead me wrong.  ironically (or divinely) enough whenever i randomly pick up the bible where i left off … it speaks to my present moment.

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