come on baby, fire my light

candle_light

‘member i keep telling you i used to be depressed and much more negative … and angry very often … and how for the past few years i have been working on that … trying to find my joy … wanting to be released from whatever was keeping my spirit in a dark place … and how recently i have emerged from that … how i began smiling all the time and laughing. how i began to feel lighter and happier. how i have been trying to spread my good feelings to all i come in contact with.

it’s funny cuz it’s all good for a mug to be happy during GOOD times … but i’ve noticed that when i am happy during BAD times … folks don’t like it!!!! they hate on me … they question me … they lie on me … and they want to drag me into their misery.

in my interpersonal relations people have said such things as “you just don’t seem effected by all of this … you are still just out here having a good time.” umm for me … the key word is SEEM. can’t i be effected by something and yet still smile and laugh in the face of it all? can i not feel hurt … but then GET OVER IT … and find my solace in FAITH? no … people want to SEE YOUR SUFFERING IN YOUR FACE and in your mood and in your energy.

in my workplace … they can’t figure it out. why am i always upbeat? why does nothing really phase me? how am i nice to everybody? why do i not talk and gossip about my co-workers to my co-workers? why don’t i gossip about myself? and what am i really happy about anyway??? do you know … they accused me of being on drugs. and other staff spread rumors that i may be on drugs. my co-workers compain about me to my managers. they all talk shit about me behind my back. all because … i am too fucking happy.

when i got in the car accident … the police officer who arrived on the scene did not think i looked miserable enough … it’s crazy … people just want to SEE that you are suffering. in my mind i was thinking should i pretend that i have no faith in God. should i act worried and scared so that i will receive favorable treatment based on this cop’s PERCEPTION of my pain?

what is this about? people think that what they see means sooooo much. people think that their perception is reality and then they judge you for it. people think other people should be miserable like them. now that i am a happy shiny bitch … i get MORE hate. which makes me have to re-double my efforts to have faith and stand strong in the presence of hate.

yeah … i’ma keep letting my light shine … i just had to share the enormous pressure i am under and all the challenges i have to face … just to keep it lit.

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